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"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life,
or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show."
Sometimes
I get insecure about the future. Not sometimes, a lot of times. This is probably because I’m a quitter. I have taken
every dance class, played every instrument, participated in every sport under the sun searching for something to call my own,
something to tell me who I am, but to no avail. When people ask who I am, I have
a hard time telling them. I’d like to turn the question around, “who do you
think I am?” in hopes of a response to aid in my self-discovery.
I
often wonder if I will ever finish what I start. School is hard, will I graduate? Being a Christian is challenging; will I
continue to fight the good fight? I don’t want to dream big for fear of being let down, of disappointing myself and
disappointing those around me: I am afraid of who I want to be but don’t
think I can be. If only I could find something solid, unchanging—worthwhile
to invest myself in. If I found such a thing, something in which to pour my heart and soul, to love, live and die for, then I would walk confidently. And yet…I have
found what I have been searching for, what I long for, sometimes I just forget to remember what this is. I forget what
I have and who I am. I am God’s daughter: I will live and die for God.
My dad has been in the army
since before I was born, so my life has been built on change. Because of his occupation I have been flitted from state to
state, school to school, friend to friend. For this reason, I had neither reason or desire to root myself in anything, home
or relationship alike, because I knew that only a year or two later it would be that much harder to let go of what I so dearly
loved. To protect myself I barricaded my heart. I had friends, but my relationships
were shallow; fun but unfulfilling. My parents were my sole confidantes: I was lonely. I had great memories, but nothing to
give me meaning. “I felt that unless I could see my way to some better hope than this for human happiness …my
dejection must continue.” But, this solitude was necessary for the transfiguration I would soon undergo. According to J. Hillis Miller, “man must start with the inner experience of
the isolated self.” In short, I was “alienated from God,” “alienated from… fellow
men”; and alienated from myself: “The result is a radical sense of inner nothingness.” Only when this emptiness was acknowledged could I seek fulfillment; I must fall down
before I could be raised up. When God’s love finally penetrated the callous
exterior of my heart, “my mind’s eyes were now unsealed.” I was what God was and who he wanted me to be. My “soul…penetrated the
mystery of a vital order until even the smallest natural object become token of the infinite.”
On
April
12, 2007 it will have been exactly six years since I was baptized. Six years ago I was plunged beneath the frigid
waters of the Atlantic Ocean moments after declaring Jesus Lord of my life, “borne aloft into the azure of Eternity,” marking the beginning of my life as a Christian. I’ve never done anything
in my life for longer than six years, except, maybe, inhabit the earth. I haven’t even lived in the same house for longer
than two consecutive years. Can I do it? Can I live the rest of my life always giving for God? I am afraid to let God down.
I don’t want to quit, but my fallibility scares me. I am scared that I will not live up to expectation, that I cannot be everything God wants me to be, I cannot fulfill the roles he has assigned me.
Despite
my fears, my God is faithful. He has rescued, redeemed and revived me. For this
I owe him my life. God has promised me, “hope, and a future.” His unfailing love has promised me a future, even if I cannot see it, He can. His confidence brings me confidence. In myself
fights, “a last conflict with human weakness, in which I know I shall overcome, because I have vowed that I will overcome.” So often I attempt to assign human qualities to his divine being. Instead of accepting
his grace, I try to justify and understand why he does and why I am; I try to earn his grace, but the greater victory, the “deeper wisdom” lies in accepting “Not
Knowing.” I am human and I do not entirely understand the ways of God, but He does not tell
me that I need to understand. God only tells me that I need to be still and know that He is God. I need to let God be God
and I will be me, exactly how he made me—imperfections and all!
God
sent his son to die for me and I will die for him: “A missionary I resolved to be.” As his ambassador God has commissioned me to share his good news. Sometimes I am afraid
of dying only because it looks painful, but I am not afraid of death because I know that heaven awaits me. When I die, peace
will envelop my soul and I will rejoice. Ironically enough it is not death that scares me, but embarrassment, this is the true test of my devotion. My conscious and my confidence war within my being. I like to be liked and
I don’t want to look weird. I get afraid to be that girl, the one who always reads the Bible and won’t stop talking about God-this or Jesus-that: I don’t
want to be different. But strangely, I do want to be different. I have been chosen,
I have been elected to change the world—what a privileged, so change the world I shall.
I
will die for God, but I will also speak for God, and live for God. I will love
when it hurts to love, I will speak when it hurts to speak, and I will sacrifice when it hurts to sacrifice. When I find it
hard to share about Jesus, I need only remember the amazing gift He has given me. He has made a sacrifice that I might truly live. When I really remember who God is, I cannot help but speak! I cannot and
will not quit on God because of who He is and who I am in him. I am so amazed and
grateful that God has given me hope. He saw something in me that even I could not see. He believes in me when I do not, He
is faithful when I am not. Indeed, I have many fears but God has given me the opportunity to banish those fears and embrace
His strength. Although I see myself as weak, God can still use me! I am willing to risk embarrassment for Him because he risked
everything for me.
Word count: 1, 204
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